So I will apologize right now and say that this is another relationship blog. I'm just doing these because that's what has been going on in my life it seems. And tonight I am going to tell you reasoning behind why I don't understand boys anymore.
And so the story begins...
"Boys are simple creatures" That's correct isn't it? I mean girls are supposed to be the complicated ones, the ones who never say what they mean or mean what they say. Girls are supposed to be the emotionally attached ones who can't think logically because their emotions overpower their logic...
WRONG WRONG WRONG
There was a time long ago when boys were simple, a time when I got along with boys very very well because I could read them and they just made so much more sense. And so I ask you...WHAT HAPPENED TO THESE BOYS??? I mean honestly, I'm not joking around here or overexaggerating. I have 'seriously' dated 3 boys in my time and each one of them has done something where I put them in a situation where I was perfectly 100% outright honest with them and they played the 'i'm going to say something I don't mean card and fuck up the entire relationship" So yes that's only 3 boys, but 3/3 for me. I will give you more detail about each of this incidences.
Boyfriend #1:
After a few weeks of casually hanging out and me repeatedly telling him "I do not want to be your girlfriend." he asks me to go to dinner with his parents. Now I knew that putting myself in that situation probably wasn't the best because both him and his parents would consider it a "meeting the parents" dinner. So I phone him up Me: "Look, I really want to go to dinner with you and your family, but I cannot go if they are going to consider it as you introducing your girlfriend" Him: "I completely understand, I promise you I won't think of it like that and they won't either" Me:"I'm still hesistant because I've already said I'm not ready to be your girlfriend but if you promise then I will go"
So, I was completely honest about it and what happened. Well OF COURSE he and his parents both thought it was a dinner introducing me as his girlfriend so after that things just went downhill. -.-
Boyfriend#2:
Now this guy was really pushy, I'm not going to lie about it. He was having a shit time in life, he was really illconfident and although he repeatedly said he wanted a serious long term relationship, he really just wanted to get some, as all boys seem to want. =.= So I usually have a rule of no boys allowed in my room or at my place. NO BOY ZONE. But he wanted to visit and I point blank said to him, he could come over but I was not going furthur with him and he had to promise he would behave. So of course he promises, comes over and HELLO out comes the horndog. Seriously... I mean seriously.. can we get past the age of 8 here and actually grow the fuck up. So I turn him down and he has a little hissy fit about how I'm rejecting him and I'm not attracted to him and I hurt his feelings. So I kick his whiney butt out of my place. And soon after that relationship dies, of course, how predictable.
'Boyfriend'#3:
Now the whole problem here is that this guy IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND, let me just make that clear right now. This probably seems confusing because I myself am completely confused about how to label the relationship we have. So months ago, this boy confessed that for months he had liked me. At the time, I was with someone else and couldn't do anything about it. But when I broke it off with the other person, he asked me out again. I took my time giving him an answer, because the fact that we were friends put things on shakey ground. I told him "I'm concerned about our friendship and what will happen if we enter a relationship and things don't work out. So I need to say two things and ask you to promise me one. When I am back for the holidays, I will go out on one date with you, just a date and after that we will see how things go from there. And I need you to promise that if we do become a couple and things end, that you will continue to be my friend and not just ignore me and never talk to me again" So of course he said he agreed and was worried about our friendship too that was why he hadn't told me sooner and we would of course go on a date before labelling it gf/bf and he promised what I asked of him. So I said yes... which brings me to the dilemma I am in now. He hasn't taken me out on a date, the 3 weeks I've been home. I mean logically if you had waited 9 months for a girl you liked wouldn't you be eager to take her out. Isn't that logical? Isn't that what a simple boy would do? But no, he hasn't taken me out, and he has told all his family and our mutual friends we are DATING as BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND. Thanks, thanks alot. So now you put me in a position where I have to be a huge bitch and say "So by the way, I'm ending this before it even begins because you basically went against what we discussed when I agreed to go out with you" and with my luck he will never talk to me again. Because boys always through little temper tantrums like that.
I'm sorry to any boy reading this, because as friends... I LOVE BOYS. But in my life I have NEVER had a lasting friendship with a boy because they start to like me in a way that I don't like them and then we get into problems like this. So right now:
I hate BOYS
I hate RELATIONSHIPS
and you can all just bugger off and find some other girl to pester because I'm sick and tired of this BS. Grow the fuck up.
Night
So this is most likely going to turn into a very boring and irritating blog post to read so maybe you should just stop reading now.
I feel like I've gotten myself into a weird situation, one that I'm not really happy with. Last night I was laying in bed around 3am and I couldn't get my thoughts to leave me alone. I kept thinking about past relationships I've had and why, when they ended I didn't get overly upset or emotional. People have said it is because I'm tough and strong, but I don't really think that is the case. I sometimes appear that way on the outside, but inside I'm incredibly vulnerable and easily hurt...by people I care about. Randoms and just sort of friends I don't value their opinions as much so they can say anything about me, but I realized from my last relationship that I'm way too loving a person. I literally offer my heart up to people straight away... Which seems stupid right because of course shelby that is what makes you vulnerable. But for some reason I'm still able to protect myself because I've realized the reason I've never been torn up over a relationship is because I always stay one step behind on the 'likeness ladder.' By this I mean, I never allowed myself to like a guy more than he likes me. That way I'm not on the hurting end of the sword because although I haven't dated alot of guys, I feel like I've gained experience through friends who know all to well about heartbreak.
So what has been bothering me is right now I'm in a relationship where I feel like both of us are playing that game. The guy I'm with is absolutely terrible about showing his feelings but once or twice when I have caught a glimpse of what he feels for me...
well let's just say the L word... lesbian? no lesbians? NO... haha sorry! I couldn't pass up the opportunity to say that joke.
Anywho, I just feel like he's absolutely horrible at showing his emotions and also because we live quite far from each other most of the year, he has gotten comfortable in the safety net of his computer. So on his side he isn't 'making any moves' like guys usually do or outwardly telling me how he feels. And yet somehow without realizing it I have managed to let myself fall absolutely in like with him. Last night I was beating myself up for this, not literally of course, but just mentally I couldn't believe that the one time it would hurt the most was the one time I had slipped up the 'likeness ladder' and allowed myself to like a boy as much as he likes me. Okay, so this doesn't seem like a huge deal but it is, because when I get hit, it hurts like 10 times more than everyone else because I care 10 times more and because inside I'm 10 times more vulnerable especially when I've let that person into my heart. just GRRR why did this happen, so now I'm mad; mad at him, mad at myself? This is such a childish feeling but I'm terrified and angry at myself. So now I just don't know what to think. It's been 2 out of 3 weeks of christmas break and unless he just has a huge change in personality, the break is going to finish not where I wanted to be at the end of the break. I'm so frustrated and upset, I'm feeling like I should call this off before it even begins but that would just mess things up even more.
I know, I know, I just need to be patient and let him move at his own pace...
But it is so incredibly frustrating!
GRRRRAWRRR
Shelby
So this is going to be a quick blog about my christmas but actually not because it really was boxing day. I thought I would write this quite quickly just before I went to bed, considering it is quite late (2:40am) and I need my beauty sleep.
So the yesterday I went over to my best guy friend's house, I still feel awkward about how to refer to him so let's just call him Cody.
This is him:
And I was originally just invited for the afternoon, although I'm guessing he had alternative motives all along because his family started arriving at 1 in the afternoon... Anyways. I went over to his house, his father picked me up around 11am and he first surprised me with a gift which was quiet lovely! A simple gift, but a surprise none the less, mostly because we had many conversations about getting each other gifts and he had basically said it was terrible at buying gifts, never did for anyone and so I had assumed we wouldn't get each other anything. So I thought it was nice he had got me something that I'd actually told him offhandedly that I liked. Which means he actually put some thought into it and listened to what I had said I liked.
So that was lovely. The rest of the afternoon was spent playing Super Mario Brothers on the wii with his sister. And then as we had planned, I was supposed to leave before his family arrived for dinner. I wasn't told the reasoning, but I had assumed that his parents had said I wasn't allowed to come when he had asked simply because his other siblings have girlfriends/boyfriends and if they had allowed me to come then they would have had to allow everyone elses dates to come. Which I completely understood and respected so I didn't push the issue but then as they had set the table, his mother realized she had set one extra place setting and said "oh well I suppose shelby will have to stay for dinner to fill it, I don't want my table uneven" Which OF COURSE reeked havoc with Cody's siblings because they found it to be unfair. And so I told her I didn't think I should stay because that would be unfair to them, and I didn't want to do that. Now I should clarify the younger siblings are the ones that thought it unfair. But you see cody has some very strong willed (older) siblings and they got it in their heads that I was staying and so they came up to me saying "you are staying for dinner" and when I tried to argue they are just like "no you are staying" Sooo I sort of let myself get pressured into staying. But I had an absolutely wonderful time! I just love Cody's family far more than words can explain. And Cody is just awesome, a huge pain in my butt, but awesome. So overall I just had a wonderful time! And it was especially nice because the day before I had visited with my family and it really wasn't that festive or enjoyable, so it was really nice to have a lovely christmas dinner and day with great company! :D
In other news, I got a BLACKBERRY today. :P Yes... I know... you don't need to say anything.
Teehee Good evening. :-) Let's hope Fatima posts soon!
Love Shelby
I think I'm in love with someone. :-) haha that statement sounds like a paradox just because I seem uncertain. I'm not uncertain about whether I love them or not, just about what that love means. The first two days of christmas break have been wonderful. I spent the first day shopping and I was in an absolutely horrible mood, but then I went to the movies with my friend Cody, his brother and sister and his male friend who is an exchange student from London, England. We went to see Tron and although I'm still uncertain about my feelings towards this movie, the company was absolutely wonderful. :-) Today I went over to his house again very early this morning and we spent the morning and afternoon together. Sadly we had to cut the evening short, as I had to return home to decorate the tree and visit with guests. Which reminds me... we FINALLY got a real tree! I convinced my parents :D and I absolutely LOVE IT. So that had been my first two days of Christmas break. I've also been dressing up nicely and doing makeup which I missed so much! I got some absolutely brilliant gifts from my aunt.
Gift 1 pictured below is GLEE season 1 dvds and it came with a journal.
Gift 2 is a Tim Mcgraw greatest hits cd. So I never knew that I liked tim mcgraw until this summer when I started listening to him because of one of my friends loves him. And then the other week while procrastinating studying for exams I rediscovered his music and i was like "OH MY GOODNESS I LOVE TIM MCGRAW" so this is sort of a new love obsession. :P
I got a few other AMAZING gifts from her, but I can't be bothered to run into the other room to grab them. MY christmas grumpiness has gone away, for now. But my mono is making me have very sudden energy level changes which lead to mood changes. So I've been irritable and difficult to get along with lately. Well... I'm always difficult to get along with, but this is especially so now that I'm sick. haha Oh well
So I realized I really discussed nothing about this mysterious person I am in love with... perhaps I shall leave that until the next post. Sharing the story with you can be my incentive to write again. :-)
