Manipulation

Like any child, I don't always get along with my parents. Especially when it comes to my relationship with my mother, because I'm a girl it can be a bit rocky at times. That aside, my mother has been the one to encourage my independent thinking. Although she rarely has the answers, we have some very thought provoking and I suppose you could say 'deep' conversations. Today was no exception, the topic was manipulation. I'm not sure exactly how this conversation began. Perhaps it was due to the problems I've been having at one of my jobs. So let me try to explain this conversation as best as I can. It is late at night and I have alot of my mind so my train of thought may not be the easiest to follow, but I shall do my best.

First I will say that my mother is excellent at manipulation. However, that said she isn't the type of person that uses it to hurt others or use to her advantage. In most cases, she uses it to protect either me or herself when she feels we are being manipulated. I've watched her do this for years, but never learned the trick myself. Now I have this girl at work who is a master manipulator. It has been creating a very negative work environment for me and so I went to talk to my boss about it yesterday. She basically said she hadn't noticed anything (of course) and wouldn't do anything to help me because that's how it is in the real world. So I asked my mom "How do you deal with someone like this girl" and my mother's first answer was "avoid her, it's not worth your time or energy." Ha well of course, I mean this is just a summer job. So I said "no but in the future, how do you handle someone like her" And my mother said, "You figure out what her next move is and stop it before it happens." And then I said "so basically I figure out what she is going to do to manipulate me and use that knowledge to do the exact same thing back to her before she does it to me. Then I win?" Mother: "yes."

Well I really wasn't happy with this answer. So the only way to come out on top of a situation like that is to play the manipulation game and beat her at it? Well this raised so many questions. Such as, if I think she's a rotten person for using manipulation to her advantage then how is me doing it to her any better. My mom's answer was "the intentions behind it. See you would be doing it, not to be mean or hurt her, but to protect yourself." Well then I said "So it's my intentions that make it okay even though it results in the exact same actions."

And from that comment literally a million and one other situations in my life popped up. And it got me sort of angry. So basically I was forced to manipulate people just to protect myself. But I don't want to manipulate people, I hate when it's done to me, I don't want to do it and I think it's a terrible thing to do. So either I'm forced to be a rotten manipulator OR I have to accept that in being 'the bigger person' I am forever going to be short changed in life and miss out on alot of things that I want. So basically the good person gets the crappy end of the stick.

I DONT LIKE THAT ANSWER.

I got so infuriated. I expressed all this to my mother and basically her final answer was "Look, I don't have the answer, but I think what you just told me IS the answer. It isn't the right thing to do, it never is. But I, like most humans will choose to do the thing that results in me surviving over the RIGHT choice."

I'm not sure I've really given the best insight into our conversation and it continued on from there but I was just left like wow.... I don't even know what to say.

Let me know if you have any thoughts about this.

Is that really the case? We have to make that choice between getting ahead or doing the right thing. And we aren't allowed both. Am I really going to be forced to make that decision or continue living as I am now, unhappy and never hope to be rewarded. I'm supposed to be content and find happiness in knowing I 'did the right thing' and that is supposed to be enough? That's just depressing -bleh...

2012 Judgement

You know what really majorly sucks... being a good and nice person.
Now I don't mean this in the flakey sort of way we tend to think of nice people. I literally mean the type of person who is selfless, and always makes the ethical, fair, honest and most difficult decisions which always result in cutting themselves short. Honestly it's exhausting, no one appreciates it, and you end up with the short end of every stick. Being a nice person in itself should be the reward, bull shit. Honestly it is enough of a reward until you just get well pissed off at everyone else being terrible people and getting all the rewards. You sit there wondering why you even bother spending so much energy to be the best person while you end up further behind in every aspect of life. And that's the time when being a good person isn't enough of a reward. Because you don't understand what's the point of it, if you feel crappy about it, no one else cares and you just get used and abused. The last few weeks have been me getting put in absolutely terrible situations where I always choose the higher road and it inevitably leads to my demise. I don't even get it anymore. It absolutely is driving me mental. I know it's worth all the pain though because for every 100 idiots I have to deal with, I find one truly amazing person. And for my age, I am absolutely blessed with the people I have met in my life. I'm not even saying this in a "I have the best friends in the world" childish way. I truly mean that I have met some of the most beautiful people of all ages who have remained in my life because they saw what the other 100 people didn't. So I know it's worth it, but is it really? Because I know it's good for me to go through all this pain, sorrow, heartache and horrible times. Because I've literally gotten the strength that most people don't get in a lifetime. But I just keep waiting for the punch line. I've learned all this... what am I supposed to use it to do? Cause right now I just feel like wasted potential. Surrounded by people who don't appreciate me and treat me horribly. Yeah, I know, you think this doesn't make sense after I just said I have met such beautiful people. Ugh my life is too complicated to make sense of. I don't like saying that either because everyone looking in on my life thinks 'yeah your life is hard but i'm sure other people have it just as hard.' I'm sure they do but other people are different then me, they don't think like me, they don't act like me, they aren't me. Most people are so just .. typical. They take things at face value, don't read into them, see a problem, either fix it or ignore it and move on and go about their daily activities. I don't do those things, I can't do those things. I don't understand people who can just live their lives so simply. I guess in the same way they don't understand why I find mine to be so complicated. The world really is just separated into two circles and i'm on about the farthest edge of the circle you can ever be, my friends are in the same circle but more central and 99% of everyone else is in the whole other circle. I just sound like a crazy person, I know. But I really don't care how I sound cause either you get it and you're in the circle or you don't get what i'm saying and then we probably are just in two different worlds and can't relate anyways. Life is just unhappy, I mean it's happy at parts but overall it's very unhappy, always has been and always seems to be, even when there are happy breaks for periods of time. I find the 2012 commotion going on amusing. Do people really care that much about dying? When did death become some terrifying thing, I have never understood that.

Pain

I'm so tired of seeing pain...
So many girls messaging me about the horrible things boys are doing to them. Boys messaging me about the terrible way they have been treated by a girl. Stories of my friends self destructing due to depression or just stress. It literally breaks my heart. I know the pain from all these things and it's unbearable. Sometimes you just don't understand why you, what did you ever do to deserve this. You've waited, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be treated well, so why is the world being so horrible and cruel to you. I wish I had the answer, I wish I had some knowledge to comfort my friends and everyone I'm watching suffer through this pain. How can I ever be happy when I look around and see the sorrow filled eyes of people I love and care about. So many questions are just left unanswered....

*sighs* Life is shit right now.

Who do you think you are, runnin' round leaving scars...

Sometimes I literally do not know how I would survive without music. At my lowest points, music is THE ONLY thing that brings me back. It always has been and it always will be the one thing that is worth living for when all else fails me.

These past few weeks have been ridiculous. Even talking about it now it bringing tears to my eyes because of how emotional I am. So let me start from the beginning of this very long story, because I need to share it with you. I've told you the first part of this story in my last blog post but to summarize: At the beginning of february I was at a very low point, I didn't know what to do I was so unhappy. I prayed to god that he'd help me out of it. So on a saturday night I went out clubbing, something I rarely do. I met someone there which is also something that rarely happens. Over the next week me and this guy were in contact every day texting for hours, until he asked me out and I had to turn him down. So he reacted like any guy would and said he didn't want just a friend so goodbye. Weeks passed and then out of a crazy chance something happened to put us back in contact. We went out dancing on st pattys day and had the best night of my life. So that brings us up to date...

To continue from my last post. That night worked out amazing. He, I , my friend and his friend all danced together and then after an hour or so he and I got separated from our friends and danced the rest of the night away together. The new best night of my life. I need to describe this night... firstly we got separated at one point and he would text me like "shelbbbbyyyyy I misss you, where are you" he kept texting me things like that so sweetly. And here's another thing you need to understand about this boy.

I used to love dancing because of the two minute high that I would experience when the moment was just right and my body would completely surrender to the music. But with him, the feeling of euphoria never goes away and the whole night is surreal.

The way I feel when I'm dancing with him is like something I have never experienced in my entire life. So after the clubs closed we went to the grocery store across the street (sketchy i know) we hung out there talking and singing shania twain and justin bieber for a good hour nearly two and got kicked out at 4:30 by which time I went home.... I just realized I maybe shouldn't be typing this out in such detail.

Since that second dancing date we had started texting every single day without fail, usually about 300 messages a day.

I ended this night so incredibly happy, although I didn't know when i'd get to see him again. Well that saturday I mentioned I was going for a walk by the lake and invited him to come along. We met up about 5 to start our walk. Now this was the first time we have ever met outside of the clubs and in day light so it could have gone horribly wrong and been filled with awkward silence. But instead this walk was full of fantastic conversation, jokes, and laughter. We watched the sunset together and ended up at DQ eating ice cream and arm wrestling at 8:30pm. He then invited me to a restaurant to his friends birthday party. Sitting across from him in that dimly lit restaurant something just clicked inside of me. Something that has never clicked before, a moment when my head and my heart agreed with each other. This guy was different - special - the exception to every rule.

After that night I think i was just a goner, seriously, I've never allowed myself to like a guy more than he likes me and I always guard my heart, but this time everything was different. I liked him and there was no going back.

Our next meeting was the following thursday and we met up for 'muffins' but he ended up taking me out for dinner at a lovely restaurant. We then walked around town and ended up loitering in the most hilarious food places, mostly timmies. I'm debating how much details to put into this next part... I guess i'll leave them out haha.

So again another truly amazing night with him. After that night things just progressed even more, I saw him the friday, and friday night he asked me to go out dancing. Then saturday we spent the afternoon together walking around town and at the library. Saturday night I went over to help him with his essay and we spent the day together sunday. Everything was so perfect, I was so happy, a kind of happiness I've never had the pleasure of experiencing. It was amazing.

He was very busy with school work the next week so I was only able to see him briefly on wednesday afternoon, but then friday night we planned to go out dancing again. We met at a bar that night with his friend. Even though we never were officially going out he was always so protective of me in a cute way. While at the bar he had to excuse himself for a minute but wouldn't leave me alone because he was worried i'd get picked up by someone else. hehe Adorable. So that night was another night of amazing dancing, he introduced me to so many of his friends. He is one of those people that seems to know alot of people. And as usual we were the last two to leave the club at closing. I was leaving in the morning at 8am to go home, but I couldn't leave him so again I went back with him and left his place at about 5:30 in the morning.

That weekend while I was at home we constantly texted and on the following wednesday I returned to the city. We planned to meet up but some things got in his way and he had to cancel. I was rather upset about that so he made it up to me by coming to see me at the library the next night. I left in the morning to write my friday afternoon exam. Things were as usual... perfect.. wonderful... happy. As I left he kissed me goodbye and told me to hurry back soon.

And that was it... the end of everything wonderful. I returned for a movie night after my exam that evening and his behaviour had completely changed. He was so distant, so unlike his usual self. I left saturday afternoon not sure whether I should read to deep into it or let it go. I asked him if anything was wrong but he said no. Yet he treated me like my first boyfriend did right before he broke up with me. After that saturday afternoon, after weeks of texting daily and taking every chance we could to be together. It all stopped, the texts stopped, messages stopped. I didn't see him for two weeks. He said he was busy and kept making excuses yet I knew from other sources that he would go out clubbing and out with friends. How could everything change so suddenly with no explaination? The night of my last exam I rode in a thunderstorm to see him.. I had to say goodbye before i left for 4 months of summer. But things weren't the same, I could see in his eyes that he didn't hate me.. but the 'spark' was gone. He didn't like like me any longer.

I've had alot of hurt in my life, alot of being left, ditched, abandoned with no explanation. I've always managed to get through it, so I know i will get through this. But I don't understand, what happened? I could understand if we had had an argument or something, but just a sudden change of behaviour. What happened in those 4 hours I left him to write my exam that changed everything.... Why god. Why did you bring him into my life when I was at my lowest, just to take him away from me? I need answers but I can't get any from anyone or anything. And this time everytime I pray my prayers are left unanswered. I'm hurting so badly... my depression is back and I have this constant chest pain that's unbearable at times. I just don't get it... why. Why bother bringing him into my life just to take him away from me? What's the point.... what is the point of it all.... i'm sorry

Mood swings

Today my mood has been all over the place. Starting the day off well, but then it turned slightly sour due to friend issues. But I removed myself from the stressful situation and had a nice quiet lunch by myself. I was so happy at this point in the day, couldn't stop smiling! But then yet again, friends ruined my mood. So I went to the gym, exercised off the stress. And this helped until AGAIN friend issues. Aren't friends supposed to make you happy not ruin your good mood, what is this. So right now I'm really not in the best mood...

I like this guy. Far too much, far more than I know I should. And it is kind of scaring me shitless. I don't let myself like guys this much so why this one? What's so different this time. We met like 6 weeks ago at a club. Shelby, you meet guys at a club - SKETCHY. Yes I know, so I thought but this time it wasn't sketchy. So after the BEST night of dancing of my life by far. I gave him my number and left. A few days later he texts me and we start up a conversation and for the following week we text every day for several hours in the evenings. But then he asks me out, and I have to turn him down. So like every other guy in the world he says he isn't interested in having just another female friend so we lose touch. Several weeks go buy and one day around dinner I get a random text message from a 'mistake number.' After a very long text messaging conversation with this random we discover that he is actually a friend to the guy I met at the club weeks before. This event results in the club guy messaging me again. So we start up our regular chats again. Every few days, every other day, soon enough it turns into every night. Until last week when I did something that was possibly one of the most 'putting myself out there' things i've done before. I went out on st. patty's day alone, to the clubs in hopes of meeting up with this guy. Sure enough, we bump into each other on the street. That night then turned into THE NEW BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE and since then, I can't get that night or this guy out of my thoughts. It's not like i'm madly in love or anything silly like that. But I really like this guy - as what i'm not certain. But something in my head and heart agrees this time, which is something very very rare for me to experience. So tomorrow we are hoping to meet up at the club again. But i've got myself into a sort of dilemma; I invited a girlfriend along. So now I just don't know what to do.... I don't want to ditch her. But if I go and don't get to dance with him, my night will be ruined... all I want to do is dance with him again. I've planned my entire week around it. I know I sound like an idiot, completely obsessed. I just want tomorrow night to be amazing so PLEASE if anyone that has the power to watch over and make tomorrow night a success... PLEASE do. I need this night, i need every bit of happiness that I can in my life.

Shelby

Rant :-)

So 99% of people really suck at giving advice and being sympathetic. It's just almost comical to watch. Maybe that isn't the right word but I just can't even think of the right word. Some of my friends have been going through really tough times lately and it's just painful to watch. I even watched some youtube videos the other day of people saying they were having a tough time and the comments were just giant judgemental fails. I'm a judgemental person too, don't get me wrong. But not in the way most other people are. You know the comments that I really can't stand the most are the "it's going to be okay" or the "your problems aren't important, you know there are starving kids in africa" comments. Please next time, you go to say one of those lines to someone you love... STOP for one second and think to yourself "does my best friend who is suffering from depression really give a fuck to hear that their problems don't matter because some kid in africa has it worse off" just STOP doing that please. I can't stand seeing it happen to other people, I can't stand it happening to me, I just CANNOT stand it!!! Why do you think people are having these problems? Because no one is helping them properly. I'm just frustrated with seeing it, frustrated with hearing "oh they are posting it on their facebook status to get attention" blah blah blah yipeeedipeetydo We get it; you think you are a psychologist. But you aren't. Because I know most people are stereotypical and most people will do it for attention but there are a few people who just want to post it on our facebook status for the sake of posting it on their facebook status. So shut up and stop psychoanalyzing those people because you think you are a genuis know it all. LOL

I mean I love people for the most part but I just see too much of this nonsense and it's getting worse and worse. I just feel like everyone enjoys patronizing everyone else that they deem inferior to themselves. I mean for instance if someone has posted something about boy trouble they are having somewhere on a social networking site, is it REALLY necessary to write comments like "you are too young to be worrying about boys", "you'll find a nice guy just be patient", "things will be alright"? REALLY why even bother posting those things at all? Do you REALLY want to hear "oh so sad your mom died when you are 13, you'll get over it. I know a girl who had both her parents die when she was 9 so suck it up." No, you don't want to hear that and neither does anyone else in the entire world!!

Just PLEASE I beg you to either be sympathetic and actually help others by saying comforting things that you would want to be said to you, or just don't say anything at all.

Please.

AprilAthena Contest

AprilAthena7 is having a contest on youtube! The prizes are absolutely AMAZING. I mean out of this world amazing. :-)
Here is her video on the contest:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKm7MUi5OcI&feature=feedu
You can enter if you are a resident of canada or the US. And you can also enter if you are international.
I'm really excited to send in my entry!

So I will apologize right now and say that this is another relationship blog. I'm just doing these because that's what has been going on in my life it seems. And tonight I am going to tell you reasoning behind why I don't understand boys anymore.

And so the story begins...

"Boys are simple creatures" That's correct isn't it? I mean girls are supposed to be the complicated ones, the ones who never say what they mean or mean what they say. Girls are supposed to be the emotionally attached ones who can't think logically because their emotions overpower their logic...

WRONG WRONG WRONG

There was a time long ago when boys were simple, a time when I got along with boys very very well because I could read them and they just made so much more sense. And so I ask you...WHAT HAPPENED TO THESE BOYS??? I mean honestly, I'm not joking around here or overexaggerating. I have 'seriously' dated 3 boys in my time and each one of them has done something where I put them in a situation where I was perfectly 100% outright honest with them and they played the 'i'm going to say something I don't mean card and fuck up the entire relationship" So yes that's only 3 boys, but 3/3 for me. I will give you more detail about each of this incidences.

Boyfriend #1:

After a few weeks of casually hanging out and me repeatedly telling him "I do not want to be your girlfriend." he asks me to go to dinner with his parents. Now I knew that putting myself in that situation probably wasn't the best because both him and his parents would consider it a "meeting the parents" dinner. So I phone him up Me: "Look, I really want to go to dinner with you and your family, but I cannot go if they are going to consider it as you introducing your girlfriend" Him: "I completely understand, I promise you I won't think of it like that and they won't either" Me:"I'm still hesistant because I've already said I'm not ready to be your girlfriend but if you promise then I will go"

So, I was completely honest about it and what happened. Well OF COURSE he and his parents both thought it was a dinner introducing me as his girlfriend so after that things just went downhill. -.-

Boyfriend#2:

Now this guy was really pushy, I'm not going to lie about it. He was having a shit time in life, he was really illconfident and although he repeatedly said he wanted a serious long term relationship, he really just wanted to get some, as all boys seem to want. =.= So I usually have a rule of no boys allowed in my room or at my place. NO BOY ZONE. But he wanted to visit and I point blank said to him, he could come over but I was not going furthur with him and he had to promise he would behave. So of course he promises, comes over and HELLO out comes the horndog. Seriously... I mean seriously.. can we get past the age of 8 here and actually grow the fuck up. So I turn him down and he has a little hissy fit about how I'm rejecting him and I'm not attracted to him and I hurt his feelings. So I kick his whiney butt out of my place. And soon after that relationship dies, of course, how predictable.

'Boyfriend'#3:

Now the whole problem here is that this guy IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND, let me just make that clear right now. This probably seems confusing because I myself am completely confused about how to label the relationship we have. So months ago, this boy confessed that for months he had liked me. At the time, I was with someone else and couldn't do anything about it. But when I broke it off with the other person, he asked me out again. I took my time giving him an answer, because the fact that we were friends put things on shakey ground. I told him "I'm concerned about our friendship and what will happen if we enter a relationship and things don't work out. So I need to say two things and ask you to promise me one. When I am back for the holidays, I will go out on one date with you, just a date and after that we will see how things go from there. And I need you to promise that if we do become a couple and things end, that you will continue to be my friend and not just ignore me and never talk to me again" So of course he said he agreed and was worried about our friendship too that was why he hadn't told me sooner and we would of course go on a date before labelling it gf/bf and he promised what I asked of him. So I said yes... which brings me to the dilemma I am in now. He hasn't taken me out on a date, the 3 weeks I've been home. I mean logically if you had waited 9 months for a girl you liked wouldn't you be eager to take her out. Isn't that logical? Isn't that what a simple boy would do? But no, he hasn't taken me out, and he has told all his family and our mutual friends we are DATING as BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND. Thanks, thanks alot. So now you put me in a position where I have to be a huge bitch and say "So by the way, I'm ending this before it even begins because you basically went against what we discussed when I agreed to go out with you" and with my luck he will never talk to me again. Because boys always through little temper tantrums like that.

I'm sorry to any boy reading this, because as friends... I LOVE BOYS. But in my life I have NEVER had a lasting friendship with a boy because they start to like me in a way that I don't like them and then we get into problems like this. So right now:

I hate BOYS

I hate RELATIONSHIPS

and you can all just bugger off and find some other girl to pester because I'm sick and tired of this BS. Grow the fuck up.

Night

Love Shelby

The L word

So this is most likely going to turn into a very boring and irritating blog post to read so maybe you should just stop reading now.

I feel like I've gotten myself into a weird situation, one that I'm not really happy with. Last night I was laying in bed around 3am and I couldn't get my thoughts to leave me alone. I kept thinking about past relationships I've had and why, when they ended I didn't get overly upset or emotional. People have said it is because I'm tough and strong, but I don't really think that is the case. I sometimes appear that way on the outside, but inside I'm incredibly vulnerable and easily hurt...by people I care about. Randoms and just sort of friends I don't value their opinions as much so they can say anything about me, but I realized from my last relationship that I'm way too loving a person. I literally offer my heart up to people straight away... Which seems stupid right because of course shelby that is what makes you vulnerable. But for some reason I'm still able to protect myself because I've realized the reason I've never been torn up over a relationship is because I always stay one step behind on the 'likeness ladder.' By this I mean, I never allowed myself to like a guy more than he likes me. That way I'm not on the hurting end of the sword because although I haven't dated alot of guys, I feel like I've gained experience through friends who know all to well about heartbreak.

So what has been bothering me is right now I'm in a relationship where I feel like both of us are playing that game. The guy I'm with is absolutely terrible about showing his feelings but once or twice when I have caught a glimpse of what he feels for me...

well let's just say the L word... lesbian? no lesbians? NO... haha sorry! I couldn't pass up the opportunity to say that joke.

Anywho, I just feel like he's absolutely horrible at showing his emotions and also because we live quite far from each other most of the year, he has gotten comfortable in the safety net of his computer. So on his side he isn't 'making any moves' like guys usually do or outwardly telling me how he feels. And yet somehow without realizing it I have managed to let myself fall absolutely in like with him. Last night I was beating myself up for this, not literally of course, but just mentally I couldn't believe that the one time it would hurt the most was the one time I had slipped up the 'likeness ladder' and allowed myself to like a boy as much as he likes me. Okay, so this doesn't seem like a huge deal but it is, because when I get hit, it hurts like 10 times more than everyone else because I care 10 times more and because inside I'm 10 times more vulnerable especially when I've let that person into my heart. just GRRR why did this happen, so now I'm mad; mad at him, mad at myself? This is such a childish feeling but I'm terrified and angry at myself. So now I just don't know what to think. It's been 2 out of 3 weeks of christmas break and unless he just has a huge change in personality, the break is going to finish not where I wanted to be at the end of the break. I'm so frustrated and upset, I'm feeling like I should call this off before it even begins but that would just mess things up even more.

I know, I know, I just need to be patient and let him move at his own pace...

But it is so incredibly frustrating!

GRRRRAWRRR

Shelby