Like any child, I don't always get along with my parents. Especially when it comes to my relationship with my mother, because I'm a girl it can be a bit rocky at times. That aside, my mother has been the one to encourage my independent thinking. Although she rarely has the answers, we have some very thought provoking and I suppose you could say 'deep' conversations. Today was no exception, the topic was manipulation. I'm not sure exactly how this conversation began. Perhaps it was due to the problems I've been having at one of my jobs. So let me try to explain this conversation as best as I can. It is late at night and I have alot of my mind so my train of thought may not be the easiest to follow, but I shall do my best.
First I will say that my mother is excellent at manipulation. However, that said she isn't the type of person that uses it to hurt others or use to her advantage. In most cases, she uses it to protect either me or herself when she feels we are being manipulated. I've watched her do this for years, but never learned the trick myself. Now I have this girl at work who is a master manipulator. It has been creating a very negative work environment for me and so I went to talk to my boss about it yesterday. She basically said she hadn't noticed anything (of course) and wouldn't do anything to help me because that's how it is in the real world. So I asked my mom "How do you deal with someone like this girl" and my mother's first answer was "avoid her, it's not worth your time or energy." Ha well of course, I mean this is just a summer job. So I said "no but in the future, how do you handle someone like her" And my mother said, "You figure out what her next move is and stop it before it happens." And then I said "so basically I figure out what she is going to do to manipulate me and use that knowledge to do the exact same thing back to her before she does it to me. Then I win?" Mother: "yes."
Well I really wasn't happy with this answer. So the only way to come out on top of a situation like that is to play the manipulation game and beat her at it? Well this raised so many questions. Such as, if I think she's a rotten person for using manipulation to her advantage then how is me doing it to her any better. My mom's answer was "the intentions behind it. See you would be doing it, not to be mean or hurt her, but to protect yourself." Well then I said "So it's my intentions that make it okay even though it results in the exact same actions."
And from that comment literally a million and one other situations in my life popped up. And it got me sort of angry. So basically I was forced to manipulate people just to protect myself. But I don't want to manipulate people, I hate when it's done to me, I don't want to do it and I think it's a terrible thing to do. So either I'm forced to be a rotten manipulator OR I have to accept that in being 'the bigger person' I am forever going to be short changed in life and miss out on alot of things that I want. So basically the good person gets the crappy end of the stick.
I DONT LIKE THAT ANSWER.
I got so infuriated. I expressed all this to my mother and basically her final answer was "Look, I don't have the answer, but I think what you just told me IS the answer. It isn't the right thing to do, it never is. But I, like most humans will choose to do the thing that results in me surviving over the RIGHT choice."
I'm not sure I've really given the best insight into our conversation and it continued on from there but I was just left like wow.... I don't even know what to say.
Let me know if you have any thoughts about this.
Is that really the case? We have to make that choice between getting ahead or doing the right thing. And we aren't allowed both. Am I really going to be forced to make that decision or continue living as I am now, unhappy and never hope to be rewarded. I'm supposed to be content and find happiness in knowing I 'did the right thing' and that is supposed to be enough? That's just depressing -bleh...
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
2012 Judgement
You know what really majorly sucks... being a good and nice person.
Now I don't mean this in the flakey sort of way we tend to think of nice people. I literally mean the type of person who is selfless, and always makes the ethical, fair, honest and most difficult decisions which always result in cutting themselves short. Honestly it's exhausting, no one appreciates it, and you end up with the short end of every stick. Being a nice person in itself should be the reward, bull shit. Honestly it is enough of a reward until you just get well pissed off at everyone else being terrible people and getting all the rewards. You sit there wondering why you even bother spending so much energy to be the best person while you end up further behind in every aspect of life. And that's the time when being a good person isn't enough of a reward. Because you don't understand what's the point of it, if you feel crappy about it, no one else cares and you just get used and abused. The last few weeks have been me getting put in absolutely terrible situations where I always choose the higher road and it inevitably leads to my demise. I don't even get it anymore. It absolutely is driving me mental. I know it's worth all the pain though because for every 100 idiots I have to deal with, I find one truly amazing person. And for my age, I am absolutely blessed with the people I have met in my life. I'm not even saying this in a "I have the best friends in the world" childish way. I truly mean that I have met some of the most beautiful people of all ages who have remained in my life because they saw what the other 100 people didn't. So I know it's worth it, but is it really? Because I know it's good for me to go through all this pain, sorrow, heartache and horrible times. Because I've literally gotten the strength that most people don't get in a lifetime. But I just keep waiting for the punch line. I've learned all this... what am I supposed to use it to do? Cause right now I just feel like wasted potential. Surrounded by people who don't appreciate me and treat me horribly. Yeah, I know, you think this doesn't make sense after I just said I have met such beautiful people. Ugh my life is too complicated to make sense of. I don't like saying that either because everyone looking in on my life thinks 'yeah your life is hard but i'm sure other people have it just as hard.' I'm sure they do but other people are different then me, they don't think like me, they don't act like me, they aren't me. Most people are so just .. typical. They take things at face value, don't read into them, see a problem, either fix it or ignore it and move on and go about their daily activities. I don't do those things, I can't do those things. I don't understand people who can just live their lives so simply. I guess in the same way they don't understand why I find mine to be so complicated. The world really is just separated into two circles and i'm on about the farthest edge of the circle you can ever be, my friends are in the same circle but more central and 99% of everyone else is in the whole other circle. I just sound like a crazy person, I know. But I really don't care how I sound cause either you get it and you're in the circle or you don't get what i'm saying and then we probably are just in two different worlds and can't relate anyways. Life is just unhappy, I mean it's happy at parts but overall it's very unhappy, always has been and always seems to be, even when there are happy breaks for periods of time. I find the 2012 commotion going on amusing. Do people really care that much about dying? When did death become some terrifying thing, I have never understood that.
Now I don't mean this in the flakey sort of way we tend to think of nice people. I literally mean the type of person who is selfless, and always makes the ethical, fair, honest and most difficult decisions which always result in cutting themselves short. Honestly it's exhausting, no one appreciates it, and you end up with the short end of every stick. Being a nice person in itself should be the reward, bull shit. Honestly it is enough of a reward until you just get well pissed off at everyone else being terrible people and getting all the rewards. You sit there wondering why you even bother spending so much energy to be the best person while you end up further behind in every aspect of life. And that's the time when being a good person isn't enough of a reward. Because you don't understand what's the point of it, if you feel crappy about it, no one else cares and you just get used and abused. The last few weeks have been me getting put in absolutely terrible situations where I always choose the higher road and it inevitably leads to my demise. I don't even get it anymore. It absolutely is driving me mental. I know it's worth all the pain though because for every 100 idiots I have to deal with, I find one truly amazing person. And for my age, I am absolutely blessed with the people I have met in my life. I'm not even saying this in a "I have the best friends in the world" childish way. I truly mean that I have met some of the most beautiful people of all ages who have remained in my life because they saw what the other 100 people didn't. So I know it's worth it, but is it really? Because I know it's good for me to go through all this pain, sorrow, heartache and horrible times. Because I've literally gotten the strength that most people don't get in a lifetime. But I just keep waiting for the punch line. I've learned all this... what am I supposed to use it to do? Cause right now I just feel like wasted potential. Surrounded by people who don't appreciate me and treat me horribly. Yeah, I know, you think this doesn't make sense after I just said I have met such beautiful people. Ugh my life is too complicated to make sense of. I don't like saying that either because everyone looking in on my life thinks 'yeah your life is hard but i'm sure other people have it just as hard.' I'm sure they do but other people are different then me, they don't think like me, they don't act like me, they aren't me. Most people are so just .. typical. They take things at face value, don't read into them, see a problem, either fix it or ignore it and move on and go about their daily activities. I don't do those things, I can't do those things. I don't understand people who can just live their lives so simply. I guess in the same way they don't understand why I find mine to be so complicated. The world really is just separated into two circles and i'm on about the farthest edge of the circle you can ever be, my friends are in the same circle but more central and 99% of everyone else is in the whole other circle. I just sound like a crazy person, I know. But I really don't care how I sound cause either you get it and you're in the circle or you don't get what i'm saying and then we probably are just in two different worlds and can't relate anyways. Life is just unhappy, I mean it's happy at parts but overall it's very unhappy, always has been and always seems to be, even when there are happy breaks for periods of time. I find the 2012 commotion going on amusing. Do people really care that much about dying? When did death become some terrifying thing, I have never understood that.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Pain
I'm so tired of seeing pain...
So many girls messaging me about the horrible things boys are doing to them. Boys messaging me about the terrible way they have been treated by a girl. Stories of my friends self destructing due to depression or just stress. It literally breaks my heart. I know the pain from all these things and it's unbearable. Sometimes you just don't understand why you, what did you ever do to deserve this. You've waited, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be treated well, so why is the world being so horrible and cruel to you. I wish I had the answer, I wish I had some knowledge to comfort my friends and everyone I'm watching suffer through this pain. How can I ever be happy when I look around and see the sorrow filled eyes of people I love and care about. So many questions are just left unanswered....
*sighs* Life is shit right now.
So many girls messaging me about the horrible things boys are doing to them. Boys messaging me about the terrible way they have been treated by a girl. Stories of my friends self destructing due to depression or just stress. It literally breaks my heart. I know the pain from all these things and it's unbearable. Sometimes you just don't understand why you, what did you ever do to deserve this. You've waited, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be treated well, so why is the world being so horrible and cruel to you. I wish I had the answer, I wish I had some knowledge to comfort my friends and everyone I'm watching suffer through this pain. How can I ever be happy when I look around and see the sorrow filled eyes of people I love and care about. So many questions are just left unanswered....
*sighs* Life is shit right now.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Who do you think you are, runnin' round leaving scars...
Sometimes I literally do not know how I would survive without music. At my lowest points, music is THE ONLY thing that brings me back. It always has been and it always will be the one thing that is worth living for when all else fails me.
These past few weeks have been ridiculous. Even talking about it now it bringing tears to my eyes because of how emotional I am. So let me start from the beginning of this very long story, because I need to share it with you. I've told you the first part of this story in my last blog post but to summarize: At the beginning of february I was at a very low point, I didn't know what to do I was so unhappy. I prayed to god that he'd help me out of it. So on a saturday night I went out clubbing, something I rarely do. I met someone there which is also something that rarely happens. Over the next week me and this guy were in contact every day texting for hours, until he asked me out and I had to turn him down. So he reacted like any guy would and said he didn't want just a friend so goodbye. Weeks passed and then out of a crazy chance something happened to put us back in contact. We went out dancing on st pattys day and had the best night of my life. So that brings us up to date...
To continue from my last post. That night worked out amazing. He, I , my friend and his friend all danced together and then after an hour or so he and I got separated from our friends and danced the rest of the night away together. The new best night of my life. I need to describe this night... firstly we got separated at one point and he would text me like "shelbbbbyyyyy I misss you, where are you" he kept texting me things like that so sweetly. And here's another thing you need to understand about this boy.
I used to love dancing because of the two minute high that I would experience when the moment was just right and my body would completely surrender to the music. But with him, the feeling of euphoria never goes away and the whole night is surreal.
The way I feel when I'm dancing with him is like something I have never experienced in my entire life. So after the clubs closed we went to the grocery store across the street (sketchy i know) we hung out there talking and singing shania twain and justin bieber for a good hour nearly two and got kicked out at 4:30 by which time I went home.... I just realized I maybe shouldn't be typing this out in such detail.
Since that second dancing date we had started texting every single day without fail, usually about 300 messages a day.
I ended this night so incredibly happy, although I didn't know when i'd get to see him again. Well that saturday I mentioned I was going for a walk by the lake and invited him to come along. We met up about 5 to start our walk. Now this was the first time we have ever met outside of the clubs and in day light so it could have gone horribly wrong and been filled with awkward silence. But instead this walk was full of fantastic conversation, jokes, and laughter. We watched the sunset together and ended up at DQ eating ice cream and arm wrestling at 8:30pm. He then invited me to a restaurant to his friends birthday party. Sitting across from him in that dimly lit restaurant something just clicked inside of me. Something that has never clicked before, a moment when my head and my heart agreed with each other. This guy was different - special - the exception to every rule.
After that night I think i was just a goner, seriously, I've never allowed myself to like a guy more than he likes me and I always guard my heart, but this time everything was different. I liked him and there was no going back.
Our next meeting was the following thursday and we met up for 'muffins' but he ended up taking me out for dinner at a lovely restaurant. We then walked around town and ended up loitering in the most hilarious food places, mostly timmies. I'm debating how much details to put into this next part... I guess i'll leave them out haha.
So again another truly amazing night with him. After that night things just progressed even more, I saw him the friday, and friday night he asked me to go out dancing. Then saturday we spent the afternoon together walking around town and at the library. Saturday night I went over to help him with his essay and we spent the day together sunday. Everything was so perfect, I was so happy, a kind of happiness I've never had the pleasure of experiencing. It was amazing.
He was very busy with school work the next week so I was only able to see him briefly on wednesday afternoon, but then friday night we planned to go out dancing again. We met at a bar that night with his friend. Even though we never were officially going out he was always so protective of me in a cute way. While at the bar he had to excuse himself for a minute but wouldn't leave me alone because he was worried i'd get picked up by someone else. hehe Adorable. So that night was another night of amazing dancing, he introduced me to so many of his friends. He is one of those people that seems to know alot of people. And as usual we were the last two to leave the club at closing. I was leaving in the morning at 8am to go home, but I couldn't leave him so again I went back with him and left his place at about 5:30 in the morning.
That weekend while I was at home we constantly texted and on the following wednesday I returned to the city. We planned to meet up but some things got in his way and he had to cancel. I was rather upset about that so he made it up to me by coming to see me at the library the next night. I left in the morning to write my friday afternoon exam. Things were as usual... perfect.. wonderful... happy. As I left he kissed me goodbye and told me to hurry back soon.
And that was it... the end of everything wonderful. I returned for a movie night after my exam that evening and his behaviour had completely changed. He was so distant, so unlike his usual self. I left saturday afternoon not sure whether I should read to deep into it or let it go. I asked him if anything was wrong but he said no. Yet he treated me like my first boyfriend did right before he broke up with me. After that saturday afternoon, after weeks of texting daily and taking every chance we could to be together. It all stopped, the texts stopped, messages stopped. I didn't see him for two weeks. He said he was busy and kept making excuses yet I knew from other sources that he would go out clubbing and out with friends. How could everything change so suddenly with no explaination? The night of my last exam I rode in a thunderstorm to see him.. I had to say goodbye before i left for 4 months of summer. But things weren't the same, I could see in his eyes that he didn't hate me.. but the 'spark' was gone. He didn't like like me any longer.
I've had alot of hurt in my life, alot of being left, ditched, abandoned with no explanation. I've always managed to get through it, so I know i will get through this. But I don't understand, what happened? I could understand if we had had an argument or something, but just a sudden change of behaviour. What happened in those 4 hours I left him to write my exam that changed everything.... Why god. Why did you bring him into my life when I was at my lowest, just to take him away from me? I need answers but I can't get any from anyone or anything. And this time everytime I pray my prayers are left unanswered. I'm hurting so badly... my depression is back and I have this constant chest pain that's unbearable at times. I just don't get it... why. Why bother bringing him into my life just to take him away from me? What's the point.... what is the point of it all.... i'm sorry
These past few weeks have been ridiculous. Even talking about it now it bringing tears to my eyes because of how emotional I am. So let me start from the beginning of this very long story, because I need to share it with you. I've told you the first part of this story in my last blog post but to summarize: At the beginning of february I was at a very low point, I didn't know what to do I was so unhappy. I prayed to god that he'd help me out of it. So on a saturday night I went out clubbing, something I rarely do. I met someone there which is also something that rarely happens. Over the next week me and this guy were in contact every day texting for hours, until he asked me out and I had to turn him down. So he reacted like any guy would and said he didn't want just a friend so goodbye. Weeks passed and then out of a crazy chance something happened to put us back in contact. We went out dancing on st pattys day and had the best night of my life. So that brings us up to date...
To continue from my last post. That night worked out amazing. He, I , my friend and his friend all danced together and then after an hour or so he and I got separated from our friends and danced the rest of the night away together. The new best night of my life. I need to describe this night... firstly we got separated at one point and he would text me like "shelbbbbyyyyy I misss you, where are you" he kept texting me things like that so sweetly. And here's another thing you need to understand about this boy.
I used to love dancing because of the two minute high that I would experience when the moment was just right and my body would completely surrender to the music. But with him, the feeling of euphoria never goes away and the whole night is surreal.
The way I feel when I'm dancing with him is like something I have never experienced in my entire life. So after the clubs closed we went to the grocery store across the street (sketchy i know) we hung out there talking and singing shania twain and justin bieber for a good hour nearly two and got kicked out at 4:30 by which time I went home.... I just realized I maybe shouldn't be typing this out in such detail.
Since that second dancing date we had started texting every single day without fail, usually about 300 messages a day.
I ended this night so incredibly happy, although I didn't know when i'd get to see him again. Well that saturday I mentioned I was going for a walk by the lake and invited him to come along. We met up about 5 to start our walk. Now this was the first time we have ever met outside of the clubs and in day light so it could have gone horribly wrong and been filled with awkward silence. But instead this walk was full of fantastic conversation, jokes, and laughter. We watched the sunset together and ended up at DQ eating ice cream and arm wrestling at 8:30pm. He then invited me to a restaurant to his friends birthday party. Sitting across from him in that dimly lit restaurant something just clicked inside of me. Something that has never clicked before, a moment when my head and my heart agreed with each other. This guy was different - special - the exception to every rule.
After that night I think i was just a goner, seriously, I've never allowed myself to like a guy more than he likes me and I always guard my heart, but this time everything was different. I liked him and there was no going back.
Our next meeting was the following thursday and we met up for 'muffins' but he ended up taking me out for dinner at a lovely restaurant. We then walked around town and ended up loitering in the most hilarious food places, mostly timmies. I'm debating how much details to put into this next part... I guess i'll leave them out haha.
So again another truly amazing night with him. After that night things just progressed even more, I saw him the friday, and friday night he asked me to go out dancing. Then saturday we spent the afternoon together walking around town and at the library. Saturday night I went over to help him with his essay and we spent the day together sunday. Everything was so perfect, I was so happy, a kind of happiness I've never had the pleasure of experiencing. It was amazing.
He was very busy with school work the next week so I was only able to see him briefly on wednesday afternoon, but then friday night we planned to go out dancing again. We met at a bar that night with his friend. Even though we never were officially going out he was always so protective of me in a cute way. While at the bar he had to excuse himself for a minute but wouldn't leave me alone because he was worried i'd get picked up by someone else. hehe Adorable. So that night was another night of amazing dancing, he introduced me to so many of his friends. He is one of those people that seems to know alot of people. And as usual we were the last two to leave the club at closing. I was leaving in the morning at 8am to go home, but I couldn't leave him so again I went back with him and left his place at about 5:30 in the morning.
That weekend while I was at home we constantly texted and on the following wednesday I returned to the city. We planned to meet up but some things got in his way and he had to cancel. I was rather upset about that so he made it up to me by coming to see me at the library the next night. I left in the morning to write my friday afternoon exam. Things were as usual... perfect.. wonderful... happy. As I left he kissed me goodbye and told me to hurry back soon.
And that was it... the end of everything wonderful. I returned for a movie night after my exam that evening and his behaviour had completely changed. He was so distant, so unlike his usual self. I left saturday afternoon not sure whether I should read to deep into it or let it go. I asked him if anything was wrong but he said no. Yet he treated me like my first boyfriend did right before he broke up with me. After that saturday afternoon, after weeks of texting daily and taking every chance we could to be together. It all stopped, the texts stopped, messages stopped. I didn't see him for two weeks. He said he was busy and kept making excuses yet I knew from other sources that he would go out clubbing and out with friends. How could everything change so suddenly with no explaination? The night of my last exam I rode in a thunderstorm to see him.. I had to say goodbye before i left for 4 months of summer. But things weren't the same, I could see in his eyes that he didn't hate me.. but the 'spark' was gone. He didn't like like me any longer.
I've had alot of hurt in my life, alot of being left, ditched, abandoned with no explanation. I've always managed to get through it, so I know i will get through this. But I don't understand, what happened? I could understand if we had had an argument or something, but just a sudden change of behaviour. What happened in those 4 hours I left him to write my exam that changed everything.... Why god. Why did you bring him into my life when I was at my lowest, just to take him away from me? I need answers but I can't get any from anyone or anything. And this time everytime I pray my prayers are left unanswered. I'm hurting so badly... my depression is back and I have this constant chest pain that's unbearable at times. I just don't get it... why. Why bother bringing him into my life just to take him away from me? What's the point.... what is the point of it all.... i'm sorry
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