These past few weeks have been ridiculous. Even talking about it now it bringing tears to my eyes because of how emotional I am. So let me start from the beginning of this very long story, because I need to share it with you. I've told you the first part of this story in my last blog post but to summarize: At the beginning of february I was at a very low point, I didn't know what to do I was so unhappy. I prayed to god that he'd help me out of it. So on a saturday night I went out clubbing, something I rarely do. I met someone there which is also something that rarely happens. Over the next week me and this guy were in contact every day texting for hours, until he asked me out and I had to turn him down. So he reacted like any guy would and said he didn't want just a friend so goodbye. Weeks passed and then out of a crazy chance something happened to put us back in contact. We went out dancing on st pattys day and had the best night of my life. So that brings us up to date...
To continue from my last post. That night worked out amazing. He, I , my friend and his friend all danced together and then after an hour or so he and I got separated from our friends and danced the rest of the night away together. The new best night of my life. I need to describe this night... firstly we got separated at one point and he would text me like "shelbbbbyyyyy I misss you, where are you" he kept texting me things like that so sweetly. And here's another thing you need to understand about this boy.
I used to love dancing because of the two minute high that I would experience when the moment was just right and my body would completely surrender to the music. But with him, the feeling of euphoria never goes away and the whole night is surreal.
The way I feel when I'm dancing with him is like something I have never experienced in my entire life. So after the clubs closed we went to the grocery store across the street (sketchy i know) we hung out there talking and singing shania twain and justin bieber for a good hour nearly two and got kicked out at 4:30 by which time I went home.... I just realized I maybe shouldn't be typing this out in such detail.
Since that second dancing date we had started texting every single day without fail, usually about 300 messages a day.
I ended this night so incredibly happy, although I didn't know when i'd get to see him again. Well that saturday I mentioned I was going for a walk by the lake and invited him to come along. We met up about 5 to start our walk. Now this was the first time we have ever met outside of the clubs and in day light so it could have gone horribly wrong and been filled with awkward silence. But instead this walk was full of fantastic conversation, jokes, and laughter. We watched the sunset together and ended up at DQ eating ice cream and arm wrestling at 8:30pm. He then invited me to a restaurant to his friends birthday party. Sitting across from him in that dimly lit restaurant something just clicked inside of me. Something that has never clicked before, a moment when my head and my heart agreed with each other. This guy was different - special - the exception to every rule.
After that night I think i was just a goner, seriously, I've never allowed myself to like a guy more than he likes me and I always guard my heart, but this time everything was different. I liked him and there was no going back.
Our next meeting was the following thursday and we met up for 'muffins' but he ended up taking me out for dinner at a lovely restaurant. We then walked around town and ended up loitering in the most hilarious food places, mostly timmies. I'm debating how much details to put into this next part... I guess i'll leave them out haha.
So again another truly amazing night with him. After that night things just progressed even more, I saw him the friday, and friday night he asked me to go out dancing. Then saturday we spent the afternoon together walking around town and at the library. Saturday night I went over to help him with his essay and we spent the day together sunday. Everything was so perfect, I was so happy, a kind of happiness I've never had the pleasure of experiencing. It was amazing.
He was very busy with school work the next week so I was only able to see him briefly on wednesday afternoon, but then friday night we planned to go out dancing again. We met at a bar that night with his friend. Even though we never were officially going out he was always so protective of me in a cute way. While at the bar he had to excuse himself for a minute but wouldn't leave me alone because he was worried i'd get picked up by someone else. hehe Adorable. So that night was another night of amazing dancing, he introduced me to so many of his friends. He is one of those people that seems to know alot of people. And as usual we were the last two to leave the club at closing. I was leaving in the morning at 8am to go home, but I couldn't leave him so again I went back with him and left his place at about 5:30 in the morning.
That weekend while I was at home we constantly texted and on the following wednesday I returned to the city. We planned to meet up but some things got in his way and he had to cancel. I was rather upset about that so he made it up to me by coming to see me at the library the next night. I left in the morning to write my friday afternoon exam. Things were as usual... perfect.. wonderful... happy. As I left he kissed me goodbye and told me to hurry back soon.
And that was it... the end of everything wonderful. I returned for a movie night after my exam that evening and his behaviour had completely changed. He was so distant, so unlike his usual self. I left saturday afternoon not sure whether I should read to deep into it or let it go. I asked him if anything was wrong but he said no. Yet he treated me like my first boyfriend did right before he broke up with me. After that saturday afternoon, after weeks of texting daily and taking every chance we could to be together. It all stopped, the texts stopped, messages stopped. I didn't see him for two weeks. He said he was busy and kept making excuses yet I knew from other sources that he would go out clubbing and out with friends. How could everything change so suddenly with no explaination? The night of my last exam I rode in a thunderstorm to see him.. I had to say goodbye before i left for 4 months of summer. But things weren't the same, I could see in his eyes that he didn't hate me.. but the 'spark' was gone. He didn't like like me any longer.
I've had alot of hurt in my life, alot of being left, ditched, abandoned with no explanation. I've always managed to get through it, so I know i will get through this. But I don't understand, what happened? I could understand if we had had an argument or something, but just a sudden change of behaviour. What happened in those 4 hours I left him to write my exam that changed everything.... Why god. Why did you bring him into my life when I was at my lowest, just to take him away from me? I need answers but I can't get any from anyone or anything. And this time everytime I pray my prayers are left unanswered. I'm hurting so badly... my depression is back and I have this constant chest pain that's unbearable at times. I just don't get it... why. Why bother bringing him into my life just to take him away from me? What's the point.... what is the point of it all.... i'm sorry
2 comments:
Interesting. I'm no mind reader or genius but I'm going to give you some insight on how I see things from reading in between the lines/an alternative perspective. Take no offense. These are simply possibilities you perhaps never considered. That being said here is what I have gathered and concluded from your passage...
(i) You are clearly very religious. You make many references to praying, god, etc and even seem to vent most of your anger at god than you do this guy. Was this guy religious or was he not? Perhaps conflicting philosophies, lifestyles, beliefs and so on could have been a factor.
(ii) You may have taken this whole deal too quickly and too seriously. You specified you two were never anything official. This would lead one to believe that this was a "trial period." Yet how you describe this event leads me to believe you became to severely attached in too quick a time. With this you must remember that the purpose of dating is to determine whether or not a pair are compatible. Perhaps this guy felt that was not such the case after some time. Furthermore, given what was mentioned earlier and the fact that you were apparently always texting him indicates a potential clingy-factor. This can scare some guys off.
(iii) It seems that the majority of the times you hung out were at clubs. Clubs usually involve alcohol consumption - doing weird things to perceptions, thoughts & actions.
(iv) You and this guy hung out casually a few times. You could've hardly known each other that well. Yet you confess to being in tears as you write this. Along with your confessions of depression issues, it is apparent you may have some emotional/personal issues - perhaps a factor that may have scared this guy off, or have been a factor he was not prepared to deal with.
(v) Kind of a re-hashing of the previous points...perhaps he viewed this dating as testing out the waters, and it was not right for him. I'm sure you're a decent person, so maybe it took a few times for this to happen because he feared offending or hurting the feelings of a nice individual
And thats enough of me. I could be completely wrong, I don't know. These are just the things that came to mind as I read this blog. Hopefully it helped. Good luck with everything.
Hey Anonymous. Thank you for your long and thoughtful comment! :-) I enjoyed reading it so I thought I'd comment back.
(i) I'm am religious, but not very religious by any extent. Haha I'm actually not mad at God, I'm mad at life for being so unfair and when I'm mad at life I turn to God because no one else can seem to help me. lol :P I don't even know if there is a God I just turn to whoever the invisible figure is that I like to pretend listens to me, cause otherwise I'd go insane from loneliness.
(ii) I definitely did take all this to seriously. I turned this guy down several times before I agreed to going out on an official date with him. So his chasing me and constantly initiating conversations made me think he liked me. I had also directly told him that I don't let myself like guys more than they like me. And his response was that he liked alot and I needn't worry. I am more clingy than usual to this particular guy cause usually i'm not a clingy person at all. But I think just because I liked him and he was always being the exception to every guy rule so he got my trust really quickly. Plus he'd always start our msn/facebook/text conversations so I just figured if he really wanted to put that much effort into talking to me, I wouldn't be at as much risk of getting hurt.
(iii) lol That was probably true for the 3 times when we first went out dancing but the rest of the times we spent together I didn't describe much and the ratio much outweighed the three times we met at the clubs and barely knew each other. Plus he and I don't drink really. I don't drink at all and he does but holds it fairly well and then once we get to the clubs all he drinks is water so the alcohol effects wear off quickly.
haha and now I'm lost where I am in your comment. I don't really know what happened. But I do know that i'm always overly honest in relationships so i've figured it most likely isn't anything I did because I told him everything upfront and he still stuck around for some months after. I don't know what it is. I think honestly i'm just doomed with relationships and males in general, even my guy friends have told me I have terrible luck.
I do appreciate you trying to logic my thoughts/actions out. Just because I'm such an over thinker I had already questioned myself about most of those things like "Am I just depressed and carrying my depression over to him so I have a reason to explain it other than just sounding pathetic by saying i'm depressed for no reason." I can usually logic other people out but I can never do it for myself... ugh
I also thought maybe I was being too hard on him just because I thought he wanted to be with me. But in all honesty I'm 99% sure I would still be writing this blog even if a friend had done this to me.
I wish I could blame this on alcohol or me being clingy or anything but really I think it's just my guy curse. bleh and maybe there really is no logical answer behind it. I may try to bring it up some time but the past two times I've tried have been unsuccessful at getting an answer. And we have been out of contact for about two weeks so I think it's all over. Good things never last long. That's life I suppose.
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