And So She Died With The Doll In Her Hand

I have never been more inspired to do some sort of aid work in the world ever. at least at this point in my life. i just watched a movie called 'the constant gardener' a friend of mine was going to watch it, but she didn't sign it out from the library. i looked at it and it sounded really interesting so i signed it out. this movie, you have to make time for. you really should watch it, because it's serious enough and relates back to reality so easily that the individual watching can actually get something out of it. ralph fiennes & rachel weisz are in it. and i'm not much of a critic, but their characters in the movie are amazing....
i feel so useless. so many people are suffering and i sit at home in my warm bed wondering whether i'll get into university or not.
i'm upset. i wish with all my heart that i can find a way to ease at least some peoples suffering. i need to know that sometime in my life i'll do some actual good in the world. i don't need a private practice, or an amazing job at a hospital. the people that have a hospital to go to are lucky enough. as human beings we have to know the difference between right and wrong? shouldn't we? we should be able to realize that starvation, malnutrition;; all that 'bad' stuff;; shouldn't be a part of other peoples lives. i swear. if i just knew that i will do some good to this world i'd be a happier person. but i dont see myself that far in the future. i'm not driven, persuasive, charming, motivated, competitive, aggressive when need be. i dont have a strong character that can push others to do whats right. i'm like everybody else in the world; i believe that i can't do anything immediate. i need to inform myself about the worlds struggles and problems. not the shit about the middle east, or the crap about some nuclear wtv. those are just issues between governments and leaders who should be grown ups and sort it out. but what should matter is that people, normal people like me and you and the people around you, don't eat, drink... they're dying and suffering because we turn around from the 'ick' of the world we live in.
i can't believe any of this :( people tell me not to worry, and that 'o fatima, you'll do something for this world.' but wtf, why can't i do something now? why is university so much more important thn a childs life? why is my future, which will be ok; more important thn the future of a man that...wait he HAS no future, he has aids and walks 40km to fetch medicine for his child and wife, he'll be lucky if he lives for a few more months. my life has no value if i can't make good use of it.
the movie. o man, it just made me think. and there are some scenes that are so powerful. its 2am rite now. i'll prolly post this tomoro morning or something since i have hw to start. but *sigh* i really need to figure out where my life is heading. whether i actually have a purpose, or even some sort of future. my priorities need to be set straight...if you're reading this blog. if you even bother reading it. which i'm sure many aren't going to even bother FINISHING. please think, for even just a moment, you dont have to actually change your life. just think about what actually matters in life. just ponder for a second what you really need to live a human life, to live a comfortable life, to live a materialistic life and to live a lucky life. they're all different, and if you can see that. even only for a second! thn you're one step ahead of everyone else in the world.
make some time
watch this movie "The Constant Gardener" its based upon the novel by John Le Carré. i liked it. it changed my train of thought at 2 in the morning, so maybe it'll effect you slightly too....

& you know what else. people need to be shown love more often too...
<3 i love you lovely readers. even if there are none or many or a few of you. and even if i dont actually know you. i'm assuming and i'm more thn postive, that y'all are the best ever :)

lurve,
fatima

p.s ya. i wrote this Fri Apr 3rd at 1:57am. Posted later in the day though because I had homework to do.

p.p.s at the end of the credits, you can find this lil blurb thingy....

This film is dedicated to Yvette Pierpaoli and all other aid workers who lived and died giving a damn.

nobody in this story, and no outfit or corporation, thank god, is based upon an actual person or outfit in the real world. but i can tell you this, as my journey through the pharmaceutical jungle progressed, i came to realize that, by comparison with the reality, my story was as tame as a holiday postcard.
- John Le Carré