I'm so tired of seeing pain...
So many girls messaging me about the horrible things boys are doing to them. Boys messaging me about the terrible way they have been treated by a girl. Stories of my friends self destructing due to depression or just stress. It literally breaks my heart. I know the pain from all these things and it's unbearable. Sometimes you just don't understand why you, what did you ever do to deserve this. You've waited, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be treated well, so why is the world being so horrible and cruel to you. I wish I had the answer, I wish I had some knowledge to comfort my friends and everyone I'm watching suffer through this pain. How can I ever be happy when I look around and see the sorrow filled eyes of people I love and care about. So many questions are just left unanswered....
*sighs* Life is shit right now.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Who do you think you are, runnin' round leaving scars...
Sometimes I literally do not know how I would survive without music. At my lowest points, music is THE ONLY thing that brings me back. It always has been and it always will be the one thing that is worth living for when all else fails me.
These past few weeks have been ridiculous. Even talking about it now it bringing tears to my eyes because of how emotional I am. So let me start from the beginning of this very long story, because I need to share it with you. I've told you the first part of this story in my last blog post but to summarize: At the beginning of february I was at a very low point, I didn't know what to do I was so unhappy. I prayed to god that he'd help me out of it. So on a saturday night I went out clubbing, something I rarely do. I met someone there which is also something that rarely happens. Over the next week me and this guy were in contact every day texting for hours, until he asked me out and I had to turn him down. So he reacted like any guy would and said he didn't want just a friend so goodbye. Weeks passed and then out of a crazy chance something happened to put us back in contact. We went out dancing on st pattys day and had the best night of my life. So that brings us up to date...
To continue from my last post. That night worked out amazing. He, I , my friend and his friend all danced together and then after an hour or so he and I got separated from our friends and danced the rest of the night away together. The new best night of my life. I need to describe this night... firstly we got separated at one point and he would text me like "shelbbbbyyyyy I misss you, where are you" he kept texting me things like that so sweetly. And here's another thing you need to understand about this boy.
I used to love dancing because of the two minute high that I would experience when the moment was just right and my body would completely surrender to the music. But with him, the feeling of euphoria never goes away and the whole night is surreal.
The way I feel when I'm dancing with him is like something I have never experienced in my entire life. So after the clubs closed we went to the grocery store across the street (sketchy i know) we hung out there talking and singing shania twain and justin bieber for a good hour nearly two and got kicked out at 4:30 by which time I went home.... I just realized I maybe shouldn't be typing this out in such detail.
Since that second dancing date we had started texting every single day without fail, usually about 300 messages a day.
I ended this night so incredibly happy, although I didn't know when i'd get to see him again. Well that saturday I mentioned I was going for a walk by the lake and invited him to come along. We met up about 5 to start our walk. Now this was the first time we have ever met outside of the clubs and in day light so it could have gone horribly wrong and been filled with awkward silence. But instead this walk was full of fantastic conversation, jokes, and laughter. We watched the sunset together and ended up at DQ eating ice cream and arm wrestling at 8:30pm. He then invited me to a restaurant to his friends birthday party. Sitting across from him in that dimly lit restaurant something just clicked inside of me. Something that has never clicked before, a moment when my head and my heart agreed with each other. This guy was different - special - the exception to every rule.
After that night I think i was just a goner, seriously, I've never allowed myself to like a guy more than he likes me and I always guard my heart, but this time everything was different. I liked him and there was no going back.
Our next meeting was the following thursday and we met up for 'muffins' but he ended up taking me out for dinner at a lovely restaurant. We then walked around town and ended up loitering in the most hilarious food places, mostly timmies. I'm debating how much details to put into this next part... I guess i'll leave them out haha.
So again another truly amazing night with him. After that night things just progressed even more, I saw him the friday, and friday night he asked me to go out dancing. Then saturday we spent the afternoon together walking around town and at the library. Saturday night I went over to help him with his essay and we spent the day together sunday. Everything was so perfect, I was so happy, a kind of happiness I've never had the pleasure of experiencing. It was amazing.
He was very busy with school work the next week so I was only able to see him briefly on wednesday afternoon, but then friday night we planned to go out dancing again. We met at a bar that night with his friend. Even though we never were officially going out he was always so protective of me in a cute way. While at the bar he had to excuse himself for a minute but wouldn't leave me alone because he was worried i'd get picked up by someone else. hehe Adorable. So that night was another night of amazing dancing, he introduced me to so many of his friends. He is one of those people that seems to know alot of people. And as usual we were the last two to leave the club at closing. I was leaving in the morning at 8am to go home, but I couldn't leave him so again I went back with him and left his place at about 5:30 in the morning.
That weekend while I was at home we constantly texted and on the following wednesday I returned to the city. We planned to meet up but some things got in his way and he had to cancel. I was rather upset about that so he made it up to me by coming to see me at the library the next night. I left in the morning to write my friday afternoon exam. Things were as usual... perfect.. wonderful... happy. As I left he kissed me goodbye and told me to hurry back soon.
And that was it... the end of everything wonderful. I returned for a movie night after my exam that evening and his behaviour had completely changed. He was so distant, so unlike his usual self. I left saturday afternoon not sure whether I should read to deep into it or let it go. I asked him if anything was wrong but he said no. Yet he treated me like my first boyfriend did right before he broke up with me. After that saturday afternoon, after weeks of texting daily and taking every chance we could to be together. It all stopped, the texts stopped, messages stopped. I didn't see him for two weeks. He said he was busy and kept making excuses yet I knew from other sources that he would go out clubbing and out with friends. How could everything change so suddenly with no explaination? The night of my last exam I rode in a thunderstorm to see him.. I had to say goodbye before i left for 4 months of summer. But things weren't the same, I could see in his eyes that he didn't hate me.. but the 'spark' was gone. He didn't like like me any longer.
I've had alot of hurt in my life, alot of being left, ditched, abandoned with no explanation. I've always managed to get through it, so I know i will get through this. But I don't understand, what happened? I could understand if we had had an argument or something, but just a sudden change of behaviour. What happened in those 4 hours I left him to write my exam that changed everything.... Why god. Why did you bring him into my life when I was at my lowest, just to take him away from me? I need answers but I can't get any from anyone or anything. And this time everytime I pray my prayers are left unanswered. I'm hurting so badly... my depression is back and I have this constant chest pain that's unbearable at times. I just don't get it... why. Why bother bringing him into my life just to take him away from me? What's the point.... what is the point of it all.... i'm sorry
These past few weeks have been ridiculous. Even talking about it now it bringing tears to my eyes because of how emotional I am. So let me start from the beginning of this very long story, because I need to share it with you. I've told you the first part of this story in my last blog post but to summarize: At the beginning of february I was at a very low point, I didn't know what to do I was so unhappy. I prayed to god that he'd help me out of it. So on a saturday night I went out clubbing, something I rarely do. I met someone there which is also something that rarely happens. Over the next week me and this guy were in contact every day texting for hours, until he asked me out and I had to turn him down. So he reacted like any guy would and said he didn't want just a friend so goodbye. Weeks passed and then out of a crazy chance something happened to put us back in contact. We went out dancing on st pattys day and had the best night of my life. So that brings us up to date...
To continue from my last post. That night worked out amazing. He, I , my friend and his friend all danced together and then after an hour or so he and I got separated from our friends and danced the rest of the night away together. The new best night of my life. I need to describe this night... firstly we got separated at one point and he would text me like "shelbbbbyyyyy I misss you, where are you" he kept texting me things like that so sweetly. And here's another thing you need to understand about this boy.
I used to love dancing because of the two minute high that I would experience when the moment was just right and my body would completely surrender to the music. But with him, the feeling of euphoria never goes away and the whole night is surreal.
The way I feel when I'm dancing with him is like something I have never experienced in my entire life. So after the clubs closed we went to the grocery store across the street (sketchy i know) we hung out there talking and singing shania twain and justin bieber for a good hour nearly two and got kicked out at 4:30 by which time I went home.... I just realized I maybe shouldn't be typing this out in such detail.
Since that second dancing date we had started texting every single day without fail, usually about 300 messages a day.
I ended this night so incredibly happy, although I didn't know when i'd get to see him again. Well that saturday I mentioned I was going for a walk by the lake and invited him to come along. We met up about 5 to start our walk. Now this was the first time we have ever met outside of the clubs and in day light so it could have gone horribly wrong and been filled with awkward silence. But instead this walk was full of fantastic conversation, jokes, and laughter. We watched the sunset together and ended up at DQ eating ice cream and arm wrestling at 8:30pm. He then invited me to a restaurant to his friends birthday party. Sitting across from him in that dimly lit restaurant something just clicked inside of me. Something that has never clicked before, a moment when my head and my heart agreed with each other. This guy was different - special - the exception to every rule.
After that night I think i was just a goner, seriously, I've never allowed myself to like a guy more than he likes me and I always guard my heart, but this time everything was different. I liked him and there was no going back.
Our next meeting was the following thursday and we met up for 'muffins' but he ended up taking me out for dinner at a lovely restaurant. We then walked around town and ended up loitering in the most hilarious food places, mostly timmies. I'm debating how much details to put into this next part... I guess i'll leave them out haha.
So again another truly amazing night with him. After that night things just progressed even more, I saw him the friday, and friday night he asked me to go out dancing. Then saturday we spent the afternoon together walking around town and at the library. Saturday night I went over to help him with his essay and we spent the day together sunday. Everything was so perfect, I was so happy, a kind of happiness I've never had the pleasure of experiencing. It was amazing.
He was very busy with school work the next week so I was only able to see him briefly on wednesday afternoon, but then friday night we planned to go out dancing again. We met at a bar that night with his friend. Even though we never were officially going out he was always so protective of me in a cute way. While at the bar he had to excuse himself for a minute but wouldn't leave me alone because he was worried i'd get picked up by someone else. hehe Adorable. So that night was another night of amazing dancing, he introduced me to so many of his friends. He is one of those people that seems to know alot of people. And as usual we were the last two to leave the club at closing. I was leaving in the morning at 8am to go home, but I couldn't leave him so again I went back with him and left his place at about 5:30 in the morning.
That weekend while I was at home we constantly texted and on the following wednesday I returned to the city. We planned to meet up but some things got in his way and he had to cancel. I was rather upset about that so he made it up to me by coming to see me at the library the next night. I left in the morning to write my friday afternoon exam. Things were as usual... perfect.. wonderful... happy. As I left he kissed me goodbye and told me to hurry back soon.
And that was it... the end of everything wonderful. I returned for a movie night after my exam that evening and his behaviour had completely changed. He was so distant, so unlike his usual self. I left saturday afternoon not sure whether I should read to deep into it or let it go. I asked him if anything was wrong but he said no. Yet he treated me like my first boyfriend did right before he broke up with me. After that saturday afternoon, after weeks of texting daily and taking every chance we could to be together. It all stopped, the texts stopped, messages stopped. I didn't see him for two weeks. He said he was busy and kept making excuses yet I knew from other sources that he would go out clubbing and out with friends. How could everything change so suddenly with no explaination? The night of my last exam I rode in a thunderstorm to see him.. I had to say goodbye before i left for 4 months of summer. But things weren't the same, I could see in his eyes that he didn't hate me.. but the 'spark' was gone. He didn't like like me any longer.
I've had alot of hurt in my life, alot of being left, ditched, abandoned with no explanation. I've always managed to get through it, so I know i will get through this. But I don't understand, what happened? I could understand if we had had an argument or something, but just a sudden change of behaviour. What happened in those 4 hours I left him to write my exam that changed everything.... Why god. Why did you bring him into my life when I was at my lowest, just to take him away from me? I need answers but I can't get any from anyone or anything. And this time everytime I pray my prayers are left unanswered. I'm hurting so badly... my depression is back and I have this constant chest pain that's unbearable at times. I just don't get it... why. Why bother bringing him into my life just to take him away from me? What's the point.... what is the point of it all.... i'm sorry
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Mood swings
Today my mood has been all over the place. Starting the day off well, but then it turned slightly sour due to friend issues. But I removed myself from the stressful situation and had a nice quiet lunch by myself. I was so happy at this point in the day, couldn't stop smiling! But then yet again, friends ruined my mood. So I went to the gym, exercised off the stress. And this helped until AGAIN friend issues. Aren't friends supposed to make you happy not ruin your good mood, what is this. So right now I'm really not in the best mood...
I like this guy. Far too much, far more than I know I should. And it is kind of scaring me shitless. I don't let myself like guys this much so why this one? What's so different this time. We met like 6 weeks ago at a club. Shelby, you meet guys at a club - SKETCHY. Yes I know, so I thought but this time it wasn't sketchy. So after the BEST night of dancing of my life by far. I gave him my number and left. A few days later he texts me and we start up a conversation and for the following week we text every day for several hours in the evenings. But then he asks me out, and I have to turn him down. So like every other guy in the world he says he isn't interested in having just another female friend so we lose touch. Several weeks go buy and one day around dinner I get a random text message from a 'mistake number.' After a very long text messaging conversation with this random we discover that he is actually a friend to the guy I met at the club weeks before. This event results in the club guy messaging me again. So we start up our regular chats again. Every few days, every other day, soon enough it turns into every night. Until last week when I did something that was possibly one of the most 'putting myself out there' things i've done before. I went out on st. patty's day alone, to the clubs in hopes of meeting up with this guy. Sure enough, we bump into each other on the street. That night then turned into THE NEW BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE and since then, I can't get that night or this guy out of my thoughts. It's not like i'm madly in love or anything silly like that. But I really like this guy - as what i'm not certain. But something in my head and heart agrees this time, which is something very very rare for me to experience. So tomorrow we are hoping to meet up at the club again. But i've got myself into a sort of dilemma; I invited a girlfriend along. So now I just don't know what to do.... I don't want to ditch her. But if I go and don't get to dance with him, my night will be ruined... all I want to do is dance with him again. I've planned my entire week around it. I know I sound like an idiot, completely obsessed. I just want tomorrow night to be amazing so PLEASE if anyone that has the power to watch over and make tomorrow night a success... PLEASE do. I need this night, i need every bit of happiness that I can in my life.
Shelby
I like this guy. Far too much, far more than I know I should. And it is kind of scaring me shitless. I don't let myself like guys this much so why this one? What's so different this time. We met like 6 weeks ago at a club. Shelby, you meet guys at a club - SKETCHY. Yes I know, so I thought but this time it wasn't sketchy. So after the BEST night of dancing of my life by far. I gave him my number and left. A few days later he texts me and we start up a conversation and for the following week we text every day for several hours in the evenings. But then he asks me out, and I have to turn him down. So like every other guy in the world he says he isn't interested in having just another female friend so we lose touch. Several weeks go buy and one day around dinner I get a random text message from a 'mistake number.' After a very long text messaging conversation with this random we discover that he is actually a friend to the guy I met at the club weeks before. This event results in the club guy messaging me again. So we start up our regular chats again. Every few days, every other day, soon enough it turns into every night. Until last week when I did something that was possibly one of the most 'putting myself out there' things i've done before. I went out on st. patty's day alone, to the clubs in hopes of meeting up with this guy. Sure enough, we bump into each other on the street. That night then turned into THE NEW BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE and since then, I can't get that night or this guy out of my thoughts. It's not like i'm madly in love or anything silly like that. But I really like this guy - as what i'm not certain. But something in my head and heart agrees this time, which is something very very rare for me to experience. So tomorrow we are hoping to meet up at the club again. But i've got myself into a sort of dilemma; I invited a girlfriend along. So now I just don't know what to do.... I don't want to ditch her. But if I go and don't get to dance with him, my night will be ruined... all I want to do is dance with him again. I've planned my entire week around it. I know I sound like an idiot, completely obsessed. I just want tomorrow night to be amazing so PLEASE if anyone that has the power to watch over and make tomorrow night a success... PLEASE do. I need this night, i need every bit of happiness that I can in my life.
Shelby
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Rant :-)
So 99% of people really suck at giving advice and being sympathetic. It's just almost comical to watch. Maybe that isn't the right word but I just can't even think of the right word. Some of my friends have been going through really tough times lately and it's just painful to watch. I even watched some youtube videos the other day of people saying they were having a tough time and the comments were just giant judgemental fails. I'm a judgemental person too, don't get me wrong. But not in the way most other people are. You know the comments that I really can't stand the most are the "it's going to be okay" or the "your problems aren't important, you know there are starving kids in africa" comments. Please next time, you go to say one of those lines to someone you love... STOP for one second and think to yourself "does my best friend who is suffering from depression really give a fuck to hear that their problems don't matter because some kid in africa has it worse off" just STOP doing that please. I can't stand seeing it happen to other people, I can't stand it happening to me, I just CANNOT stand it!!! Why do you think people are having these problems? Because no one is helping them properly. I'm just frustrated with seeing it, frustrated with hearing "oh they are posting it on their facebook status to get attention" blah blah blah yipeeedipeetydo We get it; you think you are a psychologist. But you aren't. Because I know most people are stereotypical and most people will do it for attention but there are a few people who just want to post it on our facebook status for the sake of posting it on their facebook status. So shut up and stop psychoanalyzing those people because you think you are a genuis know it all. LOL
I mean I love people for the most part but I just see too much of this nonsense and it's getting worse and worse. I just feel like everyone enjoys patronizing everyone else that they deem inferior to themselves. I mean for instance if someone has posted something about boy trouble they are having somewhere on a social networking site, is it REALLY necessary to write comments like "you are too young to be worrying about boys", "you'll find a nice guy just be patient", "things will be alright"? REALLY why even bother posting those things at all? Do you REALLY want to hear "oh so sad your mom died when you are 13, you'll get over it. I know a girl who had both her parents die when she was 9 so suck it up." No, you don't want to hear that and neither does anyone else in the entire world!!
Just PLEASE I beg you to either be sympathetic and actually help others by saying comforting things that you would want to be said to you, or just don't say anything at all.
Please.
I mean I love people for the most part but I just see too much of this nonsense and it's getting worse and worse. I just feel like everyone enjoys patronizing everyone else that they deem inferior to themselves. I mean for instance if someone has posted something about boy trouble they are having somewhere on a social networking site, is it REALLY necessary to write comments like "you are too young to be worrying about boys", "you'll find a nice guy just be patient", "things will be alright"? REALLY why even bother posting those things at all? Do you REALLY want to hear "oh so sad your mom died when you are 13, you'll get over it. I know a girl who had both her parents die when she was 9 so suck it up." No, you don't want to hear that and neither does anyone else in the entire world!!
Just PLEASE I beg you to either be sympathetic and actually help others by saying comforting things that you would want to be said to you, or just don't say anything at all.
Please.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
AprilAthena Contest
AprilAthena7 is having a contest on youtube! The prizes are absolutely AMAZING. I mean out of this world amazing. :-)
Here is her video on the contest:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKm7MUi5OcI&feature=feedu
You can enter if you are a resident of canada or the US. And you can also enter if you are international.
I'm really excited to send in my entry!
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