The L word

So this is most likely going to turn into a very boring and irritating blog post to read so maybe you should just stop reading now.

I feel like I've gotten myself into a weird situation, one that I'm not really happy with. Last night I was laying in bed around 3am and I couldn't get my thoughts to leave me alone. I kept thinking about past relationships I've had and why, when they ended I didn't get overly upset or emotional. People have said it is because I'm tough and strong, but I don't really think that is the case. I sometimes appear that way on the outside, but inside I'm incredibly vulnerable and easily hurt...by people I care about. Randoms and just sort of friends I don't value their opinions as much so they can say anything about me, but I realized from my last relationship that I'm way too loving a person. I literally offer my heart up to people straight away... Which seems stupid right because of course shelby that is what makes you vulnerable. But for some reason I'm still able to protect myself because I've realized the reason I've never been torn up over a relationship is because I always stay one step behind on the 'likeness ladder.' By this I mean, I never allowed myself to like a guy more than he likes me. That way I'm not on the hurting end of the sword because although I haven't dated alot of guys, I feel like I've gained experience through friends who know all to well about heartbreak.

So what has been bothering me is right now I'm in a relationship where I feel like both of us are playing that game. The guy I'm with is absolutely terrible about showing his feelings but once or twice when I have caught a glimpse of what he feels for me...

well let's just say the L word... lesbian? no lesbians? NO... haha sorry! I couldn't pass up the opportunity to say that joke.

Anywho, I just feel like he's absolutely horrible at showing his emotions and also because we live quite far from each other most of the year, he has gotten comfortable in the safety net of his computer. So on his side he isn't 'making any moves' like guys usually do or outwardly telling me how he feels. And yet somehow without realizing it I have managed to let myself fall absolutely in like with him. Last night I was beating myself up for this, not literally of course, but just mentally I couldn't believe that the one time it would hurt the most was the one time I had slipped up the 'likeness ladder' and allowed myself to like a boy as much as he likes me. Okay, so this doesn't seem like a huge deal but it is, because when I get hit, it hurts like 10 times more than everyone else because I care 10 times more and because inside I'm 10 times more vulnerable especially when I've let that person into my heart. just GRRR why did this happen, so now I'm mad; mad at him, mad at myself? This is such a childish feeling but I'm terrified and angry at myself. So now I just don't know what to think. It's been 2 out of 3 weeks of christmas break and unless he just has a huge change in personality, the break is going to finish not where I wanted to be at the end of the break. I'm so frustrated and upset, I'm feeling like I should call this off before it even begins but that would just mess things up even more.

I know, I know, I just need to be patient and let him move at his own pace...

But it is so incredibly frustrating!

GRRRRAWRRR

Shelby

Happy Holidays!

hai lovelies :)
its been so long :\
but i'm kinda happy that shelby reminded me of our blog so now we can maybe put in more effort xD ahaha

mmm so the past few months haven't really been interesting unfortunately
school sucked, for some silly reason.... i actually studied this time around xD and yet i did worse thn last year when i hardly studied.
despite that stoopid part, i love the courses i'm taking :) they're starting to get more 'specific' towards my field of study [biology] all the stuff im learning = SO COOL.
like for realz.
other thn academia, school time i had blast with friendolas *heart* i love them :) even if i'm really loud, and talk to much and say things that maybe shouldn't be said
BUT ANYWAYS

its currently winter break
we had lots of family friends over last week which was tiring -_-' i hate dishes; especially since our dishwasher = broke for god knows how many years and i don't think its going to be replaced since really xD we just need a new kitchen in general ahah
this week was spent on shopping. SO MUCH SHOPPING. i never really buy anything for myself but its okey :D i love spending on people and seeing how happy they are with new clothes, toys, gadgets wtv. especially my siblings [even if they're just shy of 'hating' me xD] but ya so much fun. altho recently i've been going shopping with my dad and he gets tired easily -_____-' and so we only spend like 2 hours at the mall before he needs to sit down or wtv. old people *heart* he's not even THAT old. just turned 45 actually :D but its k :P he's tired.

mmmmm in other news.
i've become a tumblr addict.
i've had one for a while actually, i used it for the indieVISUAL daily draw challenge.
but ya, once school started i stopped xD so i never really followed through with that.
but maybe i'll do something else for the new year!
come up with like 54 questions that i have to answer ever week.
or wtv.
we'll see ahaha
My Tumblr

mmm what else
i love the author 'Tamora Pierce'
I've loved her since elementary school
and i love her still
her books = amazing
like ACTUALLY.
:) so read her books
i'd personally start with the Lioness Series, thn the Immortals series, thn the Protector of the Small series, thn the two Trickster books, thn her NEW series Beka Cooper (which is pretty awesome imo)

anyway :)
need to make lunch for the sibs *sigh*

ttyl :D i promise!
[ahaha for realz]

love,
fatima

Christmas but actually not.

So this is going to be a quick blog about my christmas but actually not because it really was boxing day. I thought I would write this quite quickly just before I went to bed, considering it is quite late (2:40am) and I need my beauty sleep.

So the yesterday I went over to my best guy friend's house, I still feel awkward about how to refer to him so let's just call him Cody.

This is him:


And I was originally just invited for the afternoon, although I'm guessing he had alternative motives all along because his family started arriving at 1 in the afternoon... Anyways. I went over to his house, his father picked me up around 11am and he first surprised me with a gift which was quiet lovely! A simple gift, but a surprise none the less, mostly because we had many conversations about getting each other gifts and he had basically said it was terrible at buying gifts, never did for anyone and so I had assumed we wouldn't get each other anything. So I thought it was nice he had got me something that I'd actually told him offhandedly that I liked. Which means he actually put some thought into it and listened to what I had said I liked.



So that was lovely. The rest of the afternoon was spent playing Super Mario Brothers on the wii with his sister. And then as we had planned, I was supposed to leave before his family arrived for dinner. I wasn't told the reasoning, but I had assumed that his parents had said I wasn't allowed to come when he had asked simply because his other siblings have girlfriends/boyfriends and if they had allowed me to come then they would have had to allow everyone elses dates to come. Which I completely understood and respected so I didn't push the issue but then as they had set the table, his mother realized she had set one extra place setting and said "oh well I suppose shelby will have to stay for dinner to fill it, I don't want my table uneven" Which OF COURSE reeked havoc with Cody's siblings because they found it to be unfair. And so I told her I didn't think I should stay because that would be unfair to them, and I didn't want to do that. Now I should clarify the younger siblings are the ones that thought it unfair. But you see cody has some very strong willed (older) siblings and they got it in their heads that I was staying and so they came up to me saying "you are staying for dinner" and when I tried to argue they are just like "no you are staying" Sooo I sort of let myself get pressured into staying. But I had an absolutely wonderful time! I just love Cody's family far more than words can explain. And Cody is just awesome, a huge pain in my butt, but awesome. So overall I just had a wonderful time! And it was especially nice because the day before I had visited with my family and it really wasn't that festive or enjoyable, so it was really nice to have a lovely christmas dinner and day with great company! :D

In other news, I got a BLACKBERRY today. :P Yes... I know... you don't need to say anything.



Teehee Good evening. :-) Let's hope Fatima posts soon!

Love Shelby

Shelby has returned.

I think I'm in love with someone. :-) haha that statement sounds like a paradox just because I seem uncertain. I'm not uncertain about whether I love them or not, just about what that love means. The first two days of christmas break have been wonderful. I spent the first day shopping and I was in an absolutely horrible mood, but then I went to the movies with my friend Cody, his brother and sister and his male friend who is an exchange student from London, England. We went to see Tron and although I'm still uncertain about my feelings towards this movie, the company was absolutely wonderful. :-) Today I went over to his house again very early this morning and we spent the morning and afternoon together. Sadly we had to cut the evening short, as I had to return home to decorate the tree and visit with guests. Which reminds me... we FINALLY got a real tree! I convinced my parents :D and I absolutely LOVE IT. So that had been my first two days of Christmas break. I've also been dressing up nicely and doing makeup which I missed so much! I got some absolutely brilliant gifts from my aunt.

Gift 1 pictured below is GLEE season 1 dvds and it came with a journal.

Gift 2 is a Tim Mcgraw greatest hits cd. So I never knew that I liked tim mcgraw until this summer when I started listening to him because of one of my friends loves him. And then the other week while procrastinating studying for exams I rediscovered his music and i was like "OH MY GOODNESS I LOVE TIM MCGRAW" so this is sort of a new love obsession. :P


I got a few other AMAZING gifts from her, but I can't be bothered to run into the other room to grab them. MY christmas grumpiness has gone away, for now. But my mono is making me have very sudden energy level changes which lead to mood changes. So I've been irritable and difficult to get along with lately. Well... I'm always difficult to get along with, but this is especially so now that I'm sick. haha Oh well


So I realized I really discussed nothing about this mysterious person I am in love with... perhaps I shall leave that until the next post. Sharing the story with you can be my incentive to write again. :-)

I'm Invisible

hai! it's been a looonnnggg time hasn't it. i doubt anybody looks at this anymore; i barely do :P so i don't expect others to.
updates:
- done first year! i'm kinda disappointed tho, my grades = horrible and i feel really bad about it xD i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i'll have a dif approach in second year tho ^_^
- manga addiction is back :\ soooo bad. but wtv xD its where i can go to happehappeh land b/c they're so cute
- summer job = brutal. xD i hate working for a set number of hours '9-5' or wtv. it killlls me; hopefully i don't end up with a job like that

i guess that's it really xD i'm thinking about making a single blog/diary sort of thing that i'll update more often but prolly with short posts rather than infrequent long'ish posts
in other news
sooo goood: ---v


cutest song ever

so hawt

ADORABLE

okey i'll stop now xD
i have more spam for laters :):)

ttyl lovelies

lurve,
fatima